Sunday, March 2, 2014

And the Oscar goes to...

"It's been raining, we're fine. Thanks for your prayers."
First of all, I wasn't one of the Seth MacFarlane haters. You hire an offense comic and when he's offensive, you're surprised. Why?
But we don't need another "We Saw Your Boobs" song, so Ellen is here to save the day. Her opening monologue was perfection, just go Youtube it, you know you want to. The highlights of her speech involved Jennifer Lawrence and June Squibb.
The first award went to Jared Leto for "Dallas Buyers Club", no one was surprised. His speech rambled and went from his mother and brother to AIDS to the Ukraine and Venezuela—I was surprised that he wasn't played off the stage.
The theme of the show was "Heroes"—random. The hero clips started out with an ode to animation.
Then Pharrell Williams reminded us that he is so darn cool, plus we got to see Meryl Streep shimmy. He got the audience on their feet and did a very respectable job.
"The Great Gatsby" won costume design, and Catherine Martin gave a great speech, then "Dallas Buyers Club" beat out "Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa" with their makeup win...bummer.
Presenting the first three films was Harrison Ford, who looked like he would have rather been anywhere else...but what was with that wall of roses? Are we doing an "American Beauty" thing? That has nothing to do with heroes...I don't get it.
Kim Novak and the McConaissance were really awkward. Kim looked totally high. Yes, we're sorry about "Vertigo"; but please get off the stage.
Best Animated Short went to "Mr. Hublot"...who knew? "Get a Horse" wasn't helped by the "Frozen" star power...then the "Frozen" star power won itself an one was surprised.
Sally Field wasn't quite as awkward as Harrison Ford; but she stumbled through the next hero segment...which made equally as much no sense as the first segment.
Wow! "Gravity" won visual effects...duh! But what we didn't surprise was a great speech, short and sweet.
Karen O's performance brought the awards show to a dead halt, in a good way. Her haunting performance shut everyone up, you could have heard a pin drop—quite good.
"Helium's" win for short film proved that you don't have to have a familiar face to win an Oscar, sorry Martin Freeman. Then "The Lady in Number 6: Music Save My Life" won Best Documentary, Short Subject.
"20 Feet From Stardom" nabbed the Best Documentary in lieu of "The Act of Killing", I wasn't expecting that; but that's what we like about the Oscars. Then one of the singers from the documentary belted out an acceptance speech which was really awkward but it got her a standing ovation.
But then...Kevin Spacey came out and introduced the Governors Awards as Frank Underwood and I almost died. The honorary Oscars went to Steve Martin, Angela Landsbury, and Piero Tosi—Angelina Jolie got the humanitarian award...we all love her.
Ewan McGregor and Viola Davis made us all hate that we weren't at the Oscars, they presented the Best Foreign Language Film which went to "The Great Beauty". Fellini was honored in Paolo Sorrentino's speech as was Scorsese himself. Tyler Perry then shows up, not as Madea—darnit!—and introduces more Best Picture titles.
Brad Pitt, weird haircut and all, introduced U2 singing "Ordinary Love". Naturally, they sounded fantastic live and then everyone stood up faster than all the Democrats at Obama's State of the Union Address.
Then, the world's best photo ever!
Charlize Theron bumbled through an introduction, reminding us that everyone had problems with the teleprompter because I doubt any of the people present could read. The technical awards started and the "Gravity" onslaught began...we all knew it was coming.
Christoph Waltz introduced the Best Supporting Actress which was...Lupita Nyong'o!!!! So incredibly happy! She gave a wonderful speech, teary and heartfelt and a little nervous—so charming.
Ellen then served everyone pizza and made Harvey Weinstein pay for it, what a boss! I liked MacFarlane but Ellen was so freakin' amazing.
Amy Adams and Bill Murray introduced Best Cinematography which—duh!—went to Emmanuel Lubezki.
Editing Oscar went to "Gravity"...we all knew it, again. Alfonso Cuarón picked up his first award for editing—good job!
Whoopi Goldberg came on stage and introduced another incoherent hero related "Wizard of Oz" reference thingy....but hey, P!nk was there and she killed it, so what do we care? Looking flawless, she got a standing ovation, which is nice; but we still don't know what the heck she was doing there.
Catherine Martin got up again for her fourth Oscar for production design for "The Great Gatsby", she gave another great speech.
Then the Academy introduced Chris Evans as "talented"...really? Anyway, if we missed any lead male hero montages, don't worry, they appeared here next; but we saw only five women, so it was all okay...I guess?
No, people, woman can't be heroes...because they're women.
Thanks, Academy for reminding us of that wonderful fact.
Glenn Close, looking regal, introduced the in memoriam section which was followed up by one of the more awkward moments of the night when Bette Midler made us all laugh instead of cry. We went from thinking about how many talented people died to "Ew, this is awkward!"
Goldie Hawn, looking slightly smashed, introduced the last three Best Picture nominees. She didn't have any problem with the teleprompter...go Goldie!
Cue John Travolta and the "Pulp Fiction" music introducing "Let it Go" singer Idina Menzel whose face looked like it was going to rip in half while singing.
Jamie Fox has way too much fun at these things, he got his Vangelis on while introducing the nominees for Best Original Score which Stephen Price won for "Gravity".
Then the "Let it Go" Oscar gave us the best acceptance speech of the night courtesy of the Lopez music making juggernaut which completed their EGOT. I didn't think they should have won, but good job anyways, but give Pharrell Williams his Oscar. Pouty face.
John Ridley's win was emotional and eloquent. He got a standing ovation which is incredibly rare for a screenwriter. Spike Jonze got an Oscar for original screenplay and he got a standing ovation too! Go Spike!
Angelina Jolie came out with Sidney Poitier and gave the Best Director Oscar to Alfonso Cuarón...duh again and again. Duh ten-fold.
No standing ovation for Alfonso...bummer.
Sidetrack for a moment: Sandra Bullock looks flawless.
Cate Blanchett won for Best Actress and we got another snark-filled acceptance speech. She's just so amazing!
The McConaissance is complete! He wins—even though he shouldn't, but whatever. His speech was 50 shades of awkward. Just shut up! And we learn that Matt is his own hero...what? Just shut up!
Will Smith presented the award for Best Picture, which doesn't make sense because we all remember "After Earth"...Will should be in Oscar timeout—no shows for another three years.
Steve McQueen practically tackled the presenter when "12 Years a Slave" won Best Picture. This is perplexing because the film only won three awards, but I think that this movie will go down in history. One can only hope.
Ellen closed us out and then it was all over.
Sad face.

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